Mind Games

On October 19th, after 49 days, my period came. On its own. No provera, no clomid or letrozole, just your run of the mill menstrual cycle. I was shocked. I had some symptoms that made me wonder for about a week prior, but I had convinced myself that the possibility was simply too slim to count on and I went about my life.

For days following cycle day one, I kept saying, "I cant believe it!" Because its true. I couldn't believe that for the first time in over 10 years my period just... showed  up. Was it a fluke? Did I ovulate? Will it happen again? I made the assumption that if it were to happen again without any intervention from pills or shots, I could expect my period to arrive in about 50 days time. If it didn't come by then, I still had my provera prescription and I could write this cycle off as nothing but a random happenstance.

Imagine my surprise when I woke to find my periods arrival 36 days later. 36! That is what most Doctors would consider a "regular" time frame. What? How? What does this mean for us?
Most women will get a period if they did not get pregnant that cycle. That is common knowledge. What most people dont know, is that you can get a period without ovulating at all and that can happen for several cycles in a row without any knowledge its happening. When that first period came, I assumed that is what happened. I was only a week or two away from beginning my next round of provera and thought that perhaps my lining was thick enough and just needed to shed. It was safer to think it was a fluke, rather than debate on whether or not a mature egg actually existed.

One of the things I had just came to accept, was that we would never get to "try" on our own. You can have as much unprotected sex as you want, but if you are not ovulating you have a 0% chance of conception. I went YEARS without periods and ovulation, only to have them when I was undergoing treatments or inducing cycles with hormones. My cycles have been more synthetic than natural and I got use to that. Now, there is actually a chance that we could "try" every month like everyone else.

I mean, logically, I am aware that the chances of things happening on their own are so incredibly slim, I am probably more likely to be hit by lightning or something. But... what if?

After the arrival of that first period, I considered going back to my ovulation testing days. When we first started to try, I was testing with those good old fashioned pee sticks. They are so damn cheap to purchase in bulk, it was pretty easy to convince myself that it wouldn't be a horrible idea to test on certain cycle days. Not too expensive, ya know? Then I remembered that PCOS makes those tests unreliable the majority of the time and peeing in a cup every morning gets pretty exhausting. I further convinced myself that it wouldn't matter if I ovulate or not. I cant get pregnant on my own anyway, right? So I took them out of my amazon cart and pushed the thought away, allowing more "what if" thoughts to plague me.

When the second period came so soon after the first, I decided that while the guessing game is extremely exciting, I didnt want to play any more. I decided to renew my Ovusense subscription and my new sensor should be here in a couple weeks or so. The sensor was top notch and worth every penny when we began treatment and has actually improved over the few months that I have gone without using it. I am anxious to see what I can learn about the cycles I am having on my own, but also terrified.

I can already see myself learning of ovulation and immediately reverting to our timed intercourse days, where sex was the least desirable its ever been and infertility stress was at its peak. I can also see the possibility of learning that I am not ovulating at all, leading to all sorts of disappointment about my body and our situation. There is also that rare chance that I have a cycle with a perfect, mature egg, with perfectly timed sex that leads to a positive pregnancy test. It is that slim to none chance that over powers any thing else... so here we are. Our little silicone, sperm shaped friend will be apart of my nightly routine once again, coming with consequences we may or may not be ready for.

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I look at our cute little Christmas tree this year and ache every time my eyes land on the twinkling lights. When we set it up last year, we had just moved into our big, beautiful apartment. We had an empty spare room with hearts full of hope. I looked at Isaac with a big smile on my face and said, "Next year we wont be empty handed. Next year will be different."

We are certainly different people now but not the different I was hoping for. I was imagining I would have my hair in a messy bun while I peeled a nursing baby from my chest. Christmas toys would be wrapped and placed under the tree, knowing that the memory we were trying to create was really only for us, because after all, that cute baby of ours wont be old enough to remember. Of course, I was logical in my day dream and knew, even then, that we had a long road of fertility struggles ahead of us. So sometimes I would day dream that I was standing in front of our tree with a belly so big I couldnt see my feet, reaching carefully to hang ornaments without knocking everything over with my new, over stretched tummy.  If I was trying to be really really logical in thought, I would imagine that I was posing for a picture in front of that tree with nothing to show but some bloat and a strand of ultrasound pictures. Wouldn't our Christmas tree be such a cute backdrop for a pregnancy announcement?

Christmas 2018 

Infertility gets harder and harder the longer it lasts. We are approaching two years of trying for our babies and I have yet to fall pregnant. Holidays become more and more triggering the longer you are infertile, too. Perhaps that is some of the reason I feel inclined to track the ins and outs of my cycles, despite the stress and strain it could put on us.

If I can regulate my cycles, perhaps that will mean I am healthier than I was at the time of our IVF in July. Maybe when we do our frozen embryo transfer (or FET for short) my uterus will be happier than it was then, making our embabes more inclined to stick around.

Presently, that is the train of thought I am trying to stick with. Its much easier to financially and emotionally prepare for the event of a FET rather than the chance that I will wake up one day pregnant after a wild night with my husband. My heart still entertains the thought every day, but I wont allow my mind to fixate for too long.

I want to thank those of you who take the time out of your day to read the blogs I share. Sometimes far and few between, but always made with the intention to be heard. As apart of my emotional growth and healing, I have come to understand that having a space to share my story as it unfolds is important for me. I get carried away if I am not careful to express myself often in the right avenues. Knowing friends and family read and cheer us on from a distance is helpful, believe it or not. So as always, I intend to take the reality of our infertility to my keyboard and share updates with you often. Now that my body has figured out it has a job to do, maybe ill be able to do that more often.

Thanks for the love, y'all.