The Greater The Risk, The Higher The Reward

I had my hysteroscopy yesterday. The procedure was quick, only about an hour or so. The pain has been basically non existent but I have done a great deal of sleeping and resting since then.
The polyp wasn't as big as the nurses made it sound at the water ultrasound and I guess it doesn't really matter because it's gone now. Sending fresh, new cells to my uterus can help encourage implantation so today was a really important step in making our IVF successful.

Just a few minutes after I woke up 

There is a lot that I have to process and heal from in the next few days. Emotionally, as we travel to Colorado to celebrate the life of my Grandmother, and physically as well. Come Tuesday morning I've got a full work schedule to return to and just a few weeks to go before we begin the stimming process for IVF.

I go back and fourth every day when it comes to how I feel about our upcoming cycle. Sometimes it changes hour to hour.

How many healthy and mature eggs will be retrieved? How many will fertilize? Will we get anything healthy enough to transfer? Will we have anything left to freeze? What if we have to do this more than once? More than twice?? 

These questions run through my mind like your most hated songs on repeat. I struggle to do anything else but think of these things.  In an almost literal way, this IVF cycle is us putting all of our eggs in one basket. We are paying for all the stops and doing all the things with the naive hope that we will only have to do this whole process one time.

My hysteroscopy was in the same room that my egg retrieval and transfer will take place. I asked them specifically if this was the case with the idea in mind that I could use my memory of the room as a visualization tool. When I laid down for a nap after surgery, I imagined what it would be like to be in that room, holding a picture of our little embryo (yes, they do that), while they transfer him/her back to their rightful home. It brought genuine joy to my soul.

My new motto is: The greater the risk the higher the reward.

There are a LOT of risks with IVF. Financial, emotional, physical, mental... But it could also bring us the opportunity to grow our family. Every time I think about giving up I remember what that really means. IVF is worth all the risk because we want a baby that much.


Our first ultrasound to start everything off is on June 7th. After that time will fly as we move towards our egg retrevial. Despite the worry, I'm fully aware of the depth the opportunity of IVF really is. So many don't get this chance and here we are. I really do feel so grateful we get to try.  Our insurance is covering an unbelievable amount of this process for us, including the blood work/monitoring and the medications. We have extra money set aside to PGS test the embroys we have left over while we hope our fresh transfer takes. We have jobs who are more than supportive and understanding about the strain IVF is, and they have given us the time off we need to make it happen.

If I widen my view I see how wonderful and inviting our home is, how strong and happy our marriage is, and how lovely our life has ended up. When we tell people all that's missing is a baby we aren't kidding. Our life would be our idea of perfect if we can have a baby. I may even tempt the universe and say we want two or three!

Oh May Oh My

How is it only May 7th?? I sincerely feel like I've lived a whole life in the last 7 days. I don't even know where to begin!

On May 1st we met with Dr. Conway and officially agreed to IVF. We started birth control that night after hearing that my blood levels looked good. We scheduled our Plan of Care visit as well as the saline ultrasound before we left that day.

For us, these appointments were a huge deal. We would learn all the medical details of our IVF protocol. When to stop the birth control, when we could potentially be having our retrevial and when we could expect our transfer to be. We would also learn if my uterus was happy or sad (my words of choosing).

The exciting day came yesterday.

We started with our Plan of Care meeting. Mallory, the IVF coordinator, printed out the entire IVF schedule for us. Everything down to the time frame injections are to be administered is listed on this calendar. It was exciting to see that June 20th is our potential egg retrieval day and 5 days later will be our transfer! Plans could change by a day or two but for now, the last week of June is where my heart is choosing to focus.

Right after we met with Mallory, I was taken back for my water ultrasound. It was not painful but I did feel like I was gutted for a bit after words... I guess that is just what happens when you have something up in your business for 20 minutes.

The ultrasound showed us a sad uterus in the form of a polyp. Of course, it could have been keeping me from getting pregnant with previous cycles and with IVF in our very near future, we want to have it removed. A hysteroscopy will be performed some time this month while I am still on birth control but the surgery has yet to be scheduled. My uterus is pretty sad and so am I. It won't postpone our plans and it probably won't be a big deal. Just a couple days at home and I'll be back to normal, but the idea that it's been there the whole time really gets to me.

Before we started treatment a minor abnormality was found during my first water ultrasound. A couple nurses and our Doctor reassured us that what they saw was so minor, that there was no need to be concerned. Even though I brought up this "abnormality" on more than one occasion, treatment continued and I never did get pregnant. It's too late now, but I'll always wonder if our eggs were being fertilized but struggled to implant.

Only a few minutes after I got home, with little time to digest the details of our appointment, I received news of my grandmother's passing. Immediately my mind shifted to grief and sorrow rather than fear and panic. When we first started trying for a baby, we didn't tell anyone. We knew we would struggle but didn't know how much or for how long. It wasn't until recently that I talked to my grandma about the details of our infertility. I had honestly hoped the conversation could have been avoided all together by announcing a pregnancy after a little medical intervention. There was no pregnancy announced or a baby for her to meet before she passed and that has been tough for me to swallow.

The Month of May looks rather stressful and somber right about now. To say I am worried about the timing of it all would be an understatement. I am trying to have a little bit of faith that I won't be spread paper thin trying to show up in all the places I am needed.

When it rains it pours, right? One could only hope that after the sheets of rain fall from the sky, a beautiful rainbow will appear in it's place.

IVF Got This

We finally had the chance to sit down with our doctor today. The main purpose was to discuss in detail about what IVF is, why we are still good candidates, and to decide when we should start. We came today knowing that if at all possible we would jump for the chance to start now. She pulled out a calendar and looked at us. Pointing to the months laid out, she said, "What do you think about shooting for a June IVF cycle?"

With that she handed us a perscription for birth control, the first step in the IVF process. I will begin the birth control tonight and will remain on it until our nurse tells us otherwise. We anticipate to be on them for a few weeks.

Next week we will figure out the finances, coordinate our treatment plan, and have a saline ultrasound to make sure my uterus is in good shape. The process of preparing my eggs for retrieval will begin after we end the birth control. We hope to do a 5 day fresh transfer with an embryo that is healthy, sticky, and strong while the rest will be frozen for later attempts (let's hope much later, like when we are ready to give our baby a sibling, later...)

We can't believe it's finally here. We can't believe we finally get to start!

So much of this process can go south so quickly, but we know this is where the most success is found. I feel more at peace about doing IVF than I thought that I would. I am not looking forward to the insane amount of shots or the added debt. I'm not looking forward to the fear and anxiety of the waiting game we will play not once, but twice... Once to hear how many eggs fertilize and make it to the 5 day blastocyst (where they are then transferred or frozen), then again as we wait to see if it was successful. There is a lot of difficult things we have to unpack.

But.... We could actually get our baby! We could actually hold a piece of us in our arms. It's all worth it to us and we are so excited.