Princess Days

The day of the transfer and two days after I was instructed to have my "princess days". After a 5 day embryo transfer, it's expected that the embryo will implant some time in the first 48 hours. The embryo is only about 2 millimeters in size so even the smallest uterine contractions have the potential to throw them off course. I was told no exercising; anything I couldn't talk through was way too hard. It was suggested I Netflix binge, take some naps, and basically lounge around dreaming of our little embabe.

I was looking forward to these days. I work 6 days a week and am on call basically 24/7. Having scheduled days off designated for my pampering sounded like exactly what I needed.

The first day, after Isaac left for work, I hurried into my swim suit. I've been dying for a pool day and thought this was the perfect chance! Tying up my top it occured to me that the chlorine water is probably not the best thing for me after having all sorts of crap (and a precious, floating embryo) up in my business. So I crawled back into bed, putting on comfy  PJs and and a marathon of "Snapped". That was great for 2.5 seconds....

Typically, on the days I finally have to myself, days where the house is clean, the laundry is done, and we have plenty of snacks, I relish in the self care opportunity. But this? This was hell.

Give yourself two whole days in the house with nothing entertaining enough to keep your mind from wandering in and out of all your deepest fears.  You'll go crazy pretty fast. This is either it or it isn't, he/she is here to stay or we do a frozen embryo transfer in a few months.

So I sat there. Thinking about whether or not it is... Or it isn't.

Today, the second day, was probably the worst. I began to feel some cramping after running through the house to catch my cat. For the 5th time this week he had dumped all the water in his automatic water fountain dish. I was determined to use his fluffy fur as a damn mop, so I chased him in circles for like, a minute.

I hope you're laughing and not calling the cops on me for animal abuse.

Anyway, when I had finally cleaned the water and got back into bed, I felt some very, very minor cramps. They only lasted a few seconds, a minute a most. Any other time in my life I wouldn't have thought for one more second about them. However, this wasn't just any other time. This was THE time.

I began to ball my little eyes out. Saying out loud to no one but my good for nothing mop cat, "please stick baby, I am so sorry!"

The idea that I could have done something to dislodge our implanting embryo made me sick to my stomach.

You're probably wondering why I'm even sharing this. It's kind of embarrassing to admit I was wailing and saying these things to a cluster of cells that absolutely cannot hear me.... But this is infertility. It's complicated, but to me, this is my baby. This is the closest we have ever gotten to parenthood and the only thing I had to do to help it stick, was to stay relaxed and calm. It's irrational and logically I know that I can't blame myself if this cycle doesn't work. But at the time I felt like I had done something to harm my child.

I was able to calm down after I did some meditations and almost immediately I felt positive and happy that this could still work.

It's a bizzare place that I am in right now. Still have the IVF hormones coursing through me and it won't be long before I have pregnancy hormones to replace them. I'm exhausted because trying to relax my mind and my body (anxiety totally manifests in physical ways) takes up all my energy. I'm desperate for time to fly but terrified for it to speed up. I can only say "I'm pregnant!" for so long until I'm not any more.

A time so magical is also so scary.

How am I going to survive the next few weeks?

Infertility sucks.

Oh, and if you were wondering, Opie made a really bad mop.

All of Our Eggs in One Laboratory

Guess what?! We had our embryo transfer today! The long awaited day finally arrived and I am so proud of us! This has been such a journey and making it to this day feels like such an accomplishment.

Our egg retrevial was June 20th. They got 16 eggs and we were absolutely thrilled with that number. A couple days prior to retrevial I began to feel the effects of having ovaries the size of tennis balls. I don't actually know if they were that big, but it sure felt like it. As soon as I woke up from the anesthesia I felt a million times better. The discomfort (aka the bloating and constipation) lasted for a few days but steadily got better. I was so terrified of getting OHSS and having to postpone the transfer, so I was kind of a nazi about the amount of protein
and electrolytes I was getting, as well as being adamant about keeping my legs elevated as much as I could. Not easy to do being on my feet as massage therapist, but I did the best I could.


The following morning they let us know that 14 of those eggs were mature and 13 had fertilized. We couldn't believe how these numbers were looking. A miracle to us, if we have ever seen one.

Our day three growth report was a phone call we were extremely anxious to get. I was working when they called us and thankfully they were kind enough to leave a detailed message for me. I noticed the voicemail in between clients and as I listened my jaw dropped. "As of today, you actually have 14 growing embryos. Turns out the one we didn't think was progressing actually did fertilize and has caught up with the other embryos. All of them are within the right cell count and are looking great!"

I. Was. Shocked! I was expecting numbers to go down, not up! I had time to listen to it twice, text Isaac with the heart stopping results, and continue on with my client as if nothing had happened.

For two days Isaac and I looked at each other a million times with beaming smiles on our faces saying, "FOURTEEN!" We hadn't felt this much hope in so long. We wanted to savor every bit of the happiness we felt. To us, this meant success. We knew numbers wouldn't stay this way, but starting out so high gave us great odds. We expected about 40-50% of the embryos to make it to day 5 and we felt good about those numbers.

The day of transfer you're instructed to arrive unshowered without any lotions, deodorants, or anything that has harmful particles. Embryos are apparently very, very fragile and even small particles in the air can damage them. So we showed up scruffy, probably smelly, and extremely excited.  We arrived 30 minutes early because the clinic prescribed Valium to take before the transfer and wanted me to take it there.  Thank goodness I had that damn pill because I was an anxious wreck. By the time Dr. Conway came in, I was relaxed and ready. Poor Isaac is still recovering from his anxiety.

We were handed a sheet with a picture of all the best embryos. Five beautiful, precious embryos were photographed with the best one up close. It sounds silly but I was a little emotional looking at it. These are the babies Isaac and I worked so hard to create and there I was, seeing them at 5 days gestation.

We went back and fourth for days on whether or not we should transfer two embryos to increase the odds of one sticking. It was agony. There was a lot to consider with only a few days to make the choice. We decided a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy was ultimately the goal. This whole infertility process has been so difficult mentally and physically, we felt like it wasn't a good idea at this time to increase the risk of complications. So we transferred the beauty on the left and the rest will be biopsied and sent for genetic testing.  

We were able to watch a live feed of the embryologist sucking the embryo up into the cathetar while Dr. Conway did a practice run with her tools. The transfer itself was quick, painless, and we were able to see right where the embryo was placed on the ultrasound screen. 

                       

I relaxed on the table for a little bit so my little embaby had the chance to float around and get comfy before I got up and moved around. It was surreal to lay there and realize that just like that, we were done with IVF. 

I'm officially pregnant until proven otherwise. That's at least what IVF couples say during this time. I'm feeling so positive and hopeful that I will stay this way until spring of 2020 rolls around and it's time to bring this soul Earth side. 

I am so excited to protect, nurture and nourish our baby. I am so excited to love them for everything that they are. I look forward to helping our children develop their talents, embrace their unique qualities, and make this world a better place. 

I am grateful that I get to be a Mom. Today really couldn't have gone any better. 

Wish us luck and lots of baby dust! 🧡

The Trigger Has Been Pulled

I am done with injections! 26 of them in total. I've been stabbed too many times to count since I was ordered for a blood draw every time I went to our clinic. If I look back on my calendar and count how many appointments we had in a 10 day period, the answer would be 6. Add a couple incompetent nurses to the mix and you've got yourself  a number too high to count with some nice bruises on your arms to match.

On Friday we had our first follicle scan and we were so impressed! Not only were there quite a few, but my left ovary did in fact give us some follicles! I actually cried when I watched her swing the wand over to the left. Right away we saw two huge follicles and we were elated! I couldn't believe my eyes! I was not fully convinced that ovary even worked! I felt incredibly proud of my body. Things were happening at the right speed and I was responding beautifully. I was ready to begin my cetrotide injections so they gave me my first dose right there in the office. Cetrotide was the medication designed to keep me from naturally ovulating the follicles that were growing and I was to take it every day while continuing to stimulate growth.

The blood draw aftermath

When we went back for our next scan on Sunday, the Nurse told me that there were only about 5 that had grown in two days and they were almost big enough to trigger. That scared the living shit out of me. Excuse my french here, but our goal is to have as many good quality eggs as possible. When we go from up words of 14 follicles down to 5 your heart almost falls out of your asshole. The "trigger" shots tell my body its time to ovulate and 36 hours later I am in for retrieval. If we were to trigger on Monday with only a few follicles looking big enough for all of this, that would cut our chances tremendously. I mean, I logically knew that I couldn't discredit the ones that were lagging behind. I knew I would continue to stimulate and even change doses if necessary to ensure optimal growth. I also knew that size doesn't necessarily equate to bad quality or that they are incapable of fertilization. I was hormonal, exhausted, starting to bloat, and obviously a little overwhelmed. Everyone reassured me that everything was looking fantastic and there was nothing to worry about. My blood levels kept coming back in the clear and we were right on track. I did have a melt down though and the rest of the day was basically a fog. It didnt help that this was the visit that required help from the anesthesiologist to get my blood drawn properly.

Luckily, the next two scans showed a lot of growth with our follicles. Finally, we were given the green light to trigger at 8:30 tonight. I am even lucky enough to only take one injection to trigger! We spent a lot of money on a compound mixture that would be given to me just in case my estrogen levels were too high but everything looks great and we won't need to use it. Insurance denied coverage of this injection so we had to pay for it out of pocket. Im only slightly peeved we have it and it will go to waste but I'm happier knowing my body is handling this well.

We are set for our retrevial on Thursday morning. This is exactly what we had planned for. Knowing the whole time that this day could come sooner or later depending on my body's reaction gave me a lot of stress. I held on tight and braced myself for delays since every cycle previous was prolonged by 5-7 days. I'm honestly still in a little shock that everything has gone so smoothly. Isaac finally takes a part in all of this by taking one pill tomorrow morning and giving the clinic his sample when we get there on Thursday. For me, I'll finally be able to sleep in a little bit and give my belly a rest. The bloating and bruising are all too real.

I can't believe the stimming days are over! No more injections for the cycle. Over all, the stimming process was way easier than the Femara and Clomid cycles. I expected insane mood swings and hot flashes but really, some bloating and a few headaches are all that ever showed. I've slept well and kept my stress levels reasonably low. I mean, this is a whirl wind. No doubt about it! However, before this process even started Isaac and I agreed to do everything we could to keep the triggers at bay and stay stress free. We definitely cancelled plans, took extra naps, and have even avoided social media dumpster fires (you know, my favorite thing).  I know that acupuncture can help ease the side effects of IVF and I wouldn't be surprised if that is what is helping the most. I'll continue to go up until one of our beautiful little embryos is reunited with me.

We will know pretty much right away how many eggs have been retrieved and how many fertilized. By transfer day, we will know the total amount of embryos that made our cycle complete.

You know, there was a minute that I tried to detach myself from the outcome of this working the first time. But, as the days go on, I decided that hoping with all I have can't hurt me any more than the reality of having to do this again. So for the last couple of weeks we have given all of our energy into staying positive and trusting that now is finally our time.

It's surreal that we are here and doing IVF. Both of us knew deep down when we had our very first meeting with Dr. Conway that none of the smaller scale treatments would work for us. We remained as optimistic as we could. Hell, an IUI cycle tricked us and we thought our fate had taken a turn.

Here we are though. 35 hours before egg retrieval. Almost pregnant, if there is such a thing.

I am excited, nervous, and ready to nurture and protect our little embabies.

Just Keep Stimming

We are totally rocking the crap out of IVF. We are 5 days into the injections! It's been a whirlwind of a week so far and the time has gone by so fast.

Day 1 began on Sunday. I woke up at 6:50 am in order to give myself plenty of time to mix my solutions and get them ready to inject. Injection time is 7:15 am every morning. They needed to be done by 9 am and have to be at the exact same time every day. On Saturday and Sunday my days begin a lot earlier than the rest of the week. So, 7:15 was the latest I could go while not being rushed. I'm not a morning person and while I've done plenty of injections throughout our fertility journey, I was nervous about these medications. They need to be exactly right. So I needed to be up early to watch the instruction videos 2 or 3 times before I was ready to do it myself. Now I get up 10 minutes before and I'm ready to go before 7:15 even hits!

That night, one of my Doula clients went into labor! 39 weeks and one day. I brought my injections with me and just kept an eye on the clock. Luckily it wasn't too intense come injection time and I was able to do it quickly with the rising sun being my only light. At 11:50 am Monday morning, the baby was born after Mom had a 30 hour unmedicated labor. It was absolutely incredible and gave me nothing but hope and good vibes! 

Days 3 and 4 were just as eventful. One of my other Moms was hospitalized for preterm labor so I've been on high alert and going on little sleep. I've welcomed the distractions from my own thoughts. Up until today I didn't have a lot of time to really get into my head. Having a break from that has been important for me. 

I tried accupuncture for the first time yesterday. I've heard really surprising things about the success accupuncture gives IVF. I've been listening to meditations and visualizations specifically for IVF cycles, so I put my headphones in, laid back, and gave myself about an hour of time to positively think about my body and my babies. It was oddly calming and I look forward to continuing treatments through out the next couple of weeks. 

My accupuncture shirt. Basically I'll wear/do anything that puts those good vibes out there. 

It's weird that we are already half way through the stimming process. We go in tomorrow for our first follicle scan. I have lots of fears about my left ovary producing nothing for us even though my Doctor is sure that the amount of hormones I'm taking will absolutely stimulate that ovary. Whenever that thought creeps into my head, I just remind myself that so far my body has done everything right. It's listening and responding well and it's all going to be okay. My first blood draw revealed everything was right where it should be so I'm holding onto that victory.

Im trying to enjoy this. That sounds weird, I know. But this is a life-changing process that's made easier by seeking the good. The fact we have made it this far and I haven't completely lost my shit speaks volumes. We are fighting so hard to maintain the positive energy. I've even allowed myself to day dream about what birth will be like. Or the first time I get to take our babe to the pool. Thoughts like this make me smile and help me stay focused.

We are aiming for our egg retrevial to be June 20th with a fresh embryo transfer 5 days later. To think I'll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) in just a couple of weeks is incredible. I'm so excited to finally be pregnant and stay pregnant. I'm beyond ready to move on to the next phase of our life. We are ready and deserving of this experience and I know it's coming.