Buckle up! It's Going to be a Wild Ride!

I went in for a baseline ultrasound yesterday. Baseline appointments are pretty simple. We want to see thin uterine lining and cyst-free ovaries. I consider the baseline the start of the roller coaster. Its kind of like the moment the protective bar comes over your lap and locks you in. They warn you to stay seated as the car starts to chug up hill. There is so much anticipation of what is to come, even if you've been on it a million times. You know the feeling, right?

I enter the clinic to see at least one pregnant celebrity on the cover of People magazine. It's sprawled out for my infertile eyes to gaze upon. A couple of adorable kids are in tow as their Mom and Dad work out appointments at the front desk. The song that plays over head is the one from that commercial about the sad and neglected dogs. You know, Arms of an Angel? Just what I need to hear to put me in a good mood!

My name gets called and I am taken back to the room. That same People magazine is sitting pretty on top of the stack on the side table. Is this supposed to encourage us? Do they know how annoying this is?

I undress from the waste down and laugh at the low lighting they have in the room. The ultrasound wand is almost always cold and never as inviting as they may look. I guess low lighting is the least they could do, with the exception of maybe some vibrations. 
The nurse checks the lining first, then slams the wand to my right, almost throwing me off the table. She quickly swings to my left and of course, it's small and has nothing to show us. We discussed the new protocol, she handed me a stack of prescriptions, and we booked my follicle scan.

I will go back next week to see if my follicles have grown to maturity or if we will need more medications. The goal is to be ready to do the IUI next week or so, but as history has displayed, it takes a lot longer for my body to figure out what is going on.

I call the baseline appointment the start of the rollercoaster because I leave unsure about where my emotions are. A part of me wants to reserve my hope for the success of our first IVF cycle. Why spend what we have left on an IUI that probably won't work? The other part of me is hoping that our little baby comes, right before we pull out the big guns! How does one maintain hope while also preparing for it to fail? How do you research and prepare for such an expensive journey while simultaneously holding your breath in anticipation of good news?

As one could imagine, it's difficult to stay balanced. Once the hormones start to kick in the challenge becomes even more daunting. We are along for a ride that doesn't seem to have an end in sight. We continue to prepare and we continue to wait. That's what infertility is.