The Greater The Risk, The Higher The Reward

I had my hysteroscopy yesterday. The procedure was quick, only about an hour or so. The pain has been basically non existent but I have done a great deal of sleeping and resting since then.
The polyp wasn't as big as the nurses made it sound at the water ultrasound and I guess it doesn't really matter because it's gone now. Sending fresh, new cells to my uterus can help encourage implantation so today was a really important step in making our IVF successful.

Just a few minutes after I woke up 

There is a lot that I have to process and heal from in the next few days. Emotionally, as we travel to Colorado to celebrate the life of my Grandmother, and physically as well. Come Tuesday morning I've got a full work schedule to return to and just a few weeks to go before we begin the stimming process for IVF.

I go back and fourth every day when it comes to how I feel about our upcoming cycle. Sometimes it changes hour to hour.

How many healthy and mature eggs will be retrieved? How many will fertilize? Will we get anything healthy enough to transfer? Will we have anything left to freeze? What if we have to do this more than once? More than twice?? 

These questions run through my mind like your most hated songs on repeat. I struggle to do anything else but think of these things.  In an almost literal way, this IVF cycle is us putting all of our eggs in one basket. We are paying for all the stops and doing all the things with the naive hope that we will only have to do this whole process one time.

My hysteroscopy was in the same room that my egg retrieval and transfer will take place. I asked them specifically if this was the case with the idea in mind that I could use my memory of the room as a visualization tool. When I laid down for a nap after surgery, I imagined what it would be like to be in that room, holding a picture of our little embryo (yes, they do that), while they transfer him/her back to their rightful home. It brought genuine joy to my soul.

My new motto is: The greater the risk the higher the reward.

There are a LOT of risks with IVF. Financial, emotional, physical, mental... But it could also bring us the opportunity to grow our family. Every time I think about giving up I remember what that really means. IVF is worth all the risk because we want a baby that much.


Our first ultrasound to start everything off is on June 7th. After that time will fly as we move towards our egg retrevial. Despite the worry, I'm fully aware of the depth the opportunity of IVF really is. So many don't get this chance and here we are. I really do feel so grateful we get to try.  Our insurance is covering an unbelievable amount of this process for us, including the blood work/monitoring and the medications. We have extra money set aside to PGS test the embroys we have left over while we hope our fresh transfer takes. We have jobs who are more than supportive and understanding about the strain IVF is, and they have given us the time off we need to make it happen.

If I widen my view I see how wonderful and inviting our home is, how strong and happy our marriage is, and how lovely our life has ended up. When we tell people all that's missing is a baby we aren't kidding. Our life would be our idea of perfect if we can have a baby. I may even tempt the universe and say we want two or three!