This is Infertility

About 5 days after my transfer I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was so sure it would be positive I woke up every two hours to check the time, hoping that it was morning and I could test. 5 am seemed early enough, so off I went. The First Response Early Detection tests are "the best" tests to use because they are the most accurate detecting early pregnancy. Most IVF moms get a positive five days after their transfer and expected myself to be no different.

I waited for 3 minutes only to find that it was negative. I didn't even have to squint and decide if there was a real line or an evap line. Oh, yeah. For those of you who pee on sticks and move on with your life, you may not know that sometimes after a few extra minutes of sitting, a second line appears only because it's soaked enough, not because you're pregnant.  I've gotten lots of those over the months of testing, but not this time. Not even a little.

So I proceeded to cry in Isaac's arms for two hours. There was something in me that knew it was over. It was still early but I just... knew.

6 days, 7 days, 8 days past transfer. Negative, negative, negative.

I stopped testing after that. I didn't want to waste the clear blue digitals I bought to use only when I saw the two pink lines and needed confirmation in the form of 8 visible letters. I could feel the breast tenderness start to go away, indicating that the progesterone I've been making is starting to go down, even with the thrice daily suppositories.
Any woman going through fertility treatments as long as we have, just knows when it hasn't worked.

We have 4 embryos that should be having their genetic tests done as I type this. In about a weeks time we will learn the results and if they are good for transfer, we will skimp and save to have two embryos transferred. No questions asked; a second round of this makes me less scared of the small possibility that we will end up with twins. I'd rather be on bed rest for half my pregnancy than never get my babies here. Besides, if I wasnt apart of the 62% that ended with a successful transfer of a single embryo, why the hell would I bank on getting two damn babies?? Our goal is one and it may take all of these embryos to get it.

The embryo we transferred was strong and healthy from what we could tell. I don't think "it happened for a reason" applies here. That embryo, that little clump of cells, was our baby. It doesn't all the sudden not become our baby because it didn't stick. That was apart of me and apart of my husband and that was our baby. It was meant to be here with us but for a reason we may never know, the little embryo that could, all the sudden could not.

I don't know how we will afford a frozen embryo transfer. It's not cheap and as we all have learned by now, has no promises. While we feel blessed to have 4 souls on ice right now, we are well aware that not everyone will make it to a live birth. This is just the way the cookie crumbles.

Hope is hard to come by when the reality of infertility weighs down like the darkness of a sky without stars. The heartbreak and devastation never leave. Rather, they linger and each day gets a tad bit tougher. At this point giving up doesn't seem like an option. Even logically, I know we've come too far to only get this far.

I'm sad. Isaac is sad. I'm a mother without my baby. Where is my baby?

I'm tired of being told no, try again later. Where is my yes?