Provera Induced Psychosis

Okay, the title is just a joke, but only a little.

After 40 days came and went with no sign of a period, I called up my doctor to get a prescription for a drug that will induce a period. Its basically a crap ton of progesterone and then all the sudden I stop it and BAM. Aunt flow arrives for her visit. I took it once before when we began the process, but haven't needed it since because we have been doing treatments back to back for the better part of a year.

Before you freak out, No. I am not pregnant. As a matter of fact, my Doctor didn't want me to come in for a cycle check or a pregnancy test. All of us already knew.

Ill be taking this medication for 10 days every other month until further notice. My doctor agreed that we should at least keep up on cycles, even if that means its medically induced and I do not ovulate during this time.

Its kind of sad thinking that we have basically stopped trying to have a baby. I mean, yeah, I am not on birth control any more, but we are well aware that doesn't make a difference for us.

Anyway, the first time I took the drugs, I felt pretty crazy. I remember being happy one moment, then looking at Isaac with huge tears in my eyes saying, "I don't want to do this for the next five years! I cant do this!" Not even two minutes after cracking jokes. I remember feeling feisty, having a hard time sleeping, and having a weird appetite. Psychotic was the only way I could describe how I felt inside. By the time the meds did their magic I felt so much better. I realized then that I wasn't crazy, just hormonal. And maybe a bit stressed.

Here we are. A year later and I am getting involved with useless Facebook drama, working some long shifts on 4 hours of sleep, and I can't finish any of my meals (but I can down a bag of mini m&m's like it was going out of style). Its taken me a few days to realize that its these damn hormones and I am instantly more frustrated. How am I still tied up in hormonal upswings and depression down shifts? What is happening over here?

I feel crazy and I probably look crazy to anyone that doesn't know me or understand my struggle. I suppose this is something I should get use to. After all, it is none of my business when it comes to what others think of me, even in settings where it could intertwine with my professional life. I must move forward and allow the shifts and swings to do their thing. Roll with the punches, I guess.

Today is National Rainbow Baby day. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a pregnancy loss/stillbirth. For weeks I've been trying to navigate the emotions I have been experiencing since our failed embryo transfer. Some would argue that this is absolutely nothing like a miscarriage but I (somewhat hesitantly) admit disagreement.

That embryo was growing. It was real. It was inserted into my womb and if all would have gone well, that baby would be 9 weeks gestation. It could have been a little girl with curly dark hair just like me. It could have been a boy, who would have his Daddy's smile. Our embryo didn't get to reveal any of those things, for reasons I don't get to know, but that doesn't change how I feel about it or what the experience has done to impact my life. I am pro choice all the way, so lets not make this a pro-life argument. Its not about politics and whether or not this was considered life. Instead, I just want a safe place to write publicly, that this was indeed a loss, one worth celebrating and remembering. One worth thinking about and one worth discussing. My husband and I have had to deal with the reality that one of our little babies couldn't come earth side, leaving us with empty arms and sad, sad hearts. Two pink lines on a pregnancy test or a heart beat found during an ultrasound do not take away from what could have been and they wouldn't have changed its value in our eyes.

In honor of the battle I am currently fighting in order to get my babies here and in honor of all the rainbow babies that came to be, I am ending my vulnerable rant and finishing with a picture of our "rainbryo"

If you happen to see me pulling an '07 Brittney, shaving my head with that look on my face, don't be alarmed. It's just the provera and I'll return to my normal self in about 10-12 business days.