We are months and months away from doing another embryo transfer. At best we pay $2,300 and are back in the game before the end of the year. The more likely scenario is that we spend $4,100 and do the transfer some time next spring. Insurance is still processing our cycles from months ago, so we aren't holding out hope that there will be any coverage left to use. Our insurance had a beautiful, large, lifetime max for fertility coverage and IVF cost just about every cent of it. I'm grateful, believe me, but I'll never stop being heartbroken about the fact it takes upwords of $30,000 just to try to get pregnant. I should be able to do it for free!
Since getting pregnant has been forcefully put on pause, I decided to make something of my Doula work. I figured that a handful of births would get us to our own babies so much sooner, so in the matter of a month I built a website, created a pretty decent network of connections, and spent A LOT of money on two different certifications. I've been studying and putting all my free time into making this legitimate. It's exhausting trying to start and run a small business.
If I'm being honest though, it's even more exhausting that my calling in life is also triggering.
At the beginning of this journey I was 100% capable of separating my personal struggles from my career. However over the course of the year, I've been stripped of my ability to keep it cool on the inside. My heart aches every day because of what I do. I wish jealousy and envy were not normal human emotions, but they are. What frustrates me the most, is I'm so passionate about what I do. I really love studying the physiology of birth and all that goes into it. I love taking care of Mothers and offering physical and emotional support. I truly adore every second of the career path I've chosen, but damn it's hard on me. It won't be easier when I overcome Infertility, the difficulty will just be...different.
I look forward to the day where I am no longer triggered by pregnancy announcements or crying babies. When the physical urge rip my hair out while I scream until my throat bleeds dissipates... When I can do my job without that pit in my stomach as I walk the hospital halls displayed with photographs of infants. When I stop considering it good luck when I feel a baby kick from the inside and when I have my own kids to stress over... I really look forward to that day.
Until then, Isaac and I will absolutely be walking around like sad zombies. If you're wondering if we are okay, the answer is no. If you're wondering what you can do to help, the answer is to stop telling us God will give us a baby when it's "His time." You could stop saying anything of the sort and just love us. We are constantly trying to put out the fire of emotions that burn within us every time we see you and your cute little family. Please do not make it worse by fishing for something to say. Just.... Love us.
Infertility is awful. It's sad, gut wrenching, depressing, and ridiculously expensive. The waiting to try feels like a slow death of all things maternal within me. I see it weigh on Isaac and that kills me even more. I've never fully understood the full sense of the word triggered, but I get it now. It's all over the place and it's finally catching up to us. Our babies are frozen in petri dishes and a 45 minute car ride would take us right to them... And yet we are so far from holding them and kissing their cheeks.
Shoot guys... The Forsgren family could use some love and some reprieve.
Also, $4,000 if you have it.
Love you so much.
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